Thursday, March 12, 2009


I am experiencing an overwhelming sense of sadness. I feel wounded and my feelings are hurt and I understand that much of it is of my own making.

Since I was seventeen-years old I have been mothering children. I mothered six of them in total and the line between which were mine and which weren’t blurred a long time ago. I loved my five boys and one girl like any mother should love her children; effortlessly and without pause. I claimed each of them as my own because in my eyes, they were.

They have each grown to be wonderful adults, one or two a little more wonderful than the others. And I like to think I had a little something to do with that. I also acknowledge that I may have had a little something to do with their few flaws. My relationship with their father greatly impacted my relationship with them. Sometimes for the better, and sometimes not. And even now, my lack of relationship with my ex has managed to define where I stand in their lives and it would seem that I’m not standing anywhere at all.

My children have not spoken to me in months. No calls, no cards, no nothing to let me know that they are well and fine. I have only heard from them when someone has been in need of something. Far too many messages have gone unanswered and I have now decided to just let it all go.

My very special friend doesn’t agree with my decision. He thinks I need to keep pushing until they bend. I’m thinking that over twenty-plus years of love and dedication shouldn’t necessitate an ounce of pushing. Needless to say the whole darn mess makes me overwhelmingly sad.

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