Tuesday, July 08, 2008


I’m fat. I don’t see myself as voluptuous or curvy. I see fat. And I hate it. I’m not a woman who is “comfortable” with her size. The girth, the rolls, and all that damn jiggling like Jell-O, has just about worked my very last nerve. My thighs look like two lumpy, whole hams. My midsection seems to have folks wondering when the baby is due. And I appear to be working my way through the entire alphabet of letters that come after a bra size.

Sucking it all in has become a major chore and spandex has begun to give me a damn rash. I envy my big sisters who wholeheartedly embrace their luscious hills and valleys. I cannot seem to muster the confidence some women have about their fuller figures. As they easily flaunt what I am so desperate to hide I find myself at odds knowing that I know better.

Diet after diet has left me with diet-phobia. I’m suddenly over-indulging to feel better about being morbidly overweight. Exercise is a bitch. I do well for a few weeks then leg lifts and tummy crunches start to poison my spirit. I can think of better things to do with my time and there is absolutely nothing fun about breaking a sweat that doesn’t involve a hard man and a soft bed.

A friend’s brother called me “thick”. I found myself wishing that he was referring to my brain and not my butt. The scale groans every time I step on. I am horrified by what the mirror does when I step in front of it.

A friend told me to embrace my beauty and learn how to love me. Loving me isn’t the issue. Loving me with seventy-five excess pounds, however, is proving to be a challenge.


Anonymous said...

spend more time exercising with your new friend. What type is up to the two of you. :)

ThatCrazy8 said...

I have my ups and downs too...right now I'm in the middle of a down. I was doing good and don't know what happened...lol! It's hard but if you really want to shed the weight keep at it. Ultimately you have to be happy with yourself :) ~Jen

Sunshyne said...

J.C. is right, you have to be happy with yourself. So, if you're not happy with yourself then change it. You don't have to "embrace your beauty" as your friend says because you if you don't like the way you look then you're not going to even give off the vibe of feeling beautiful. And I know the feeling, when I got sick my doctors pumped me with so much steriods I gained about 20 to 30 pounds!! And I didn't care how much my family and friends told me I looked good, I didn't feel good. So, I did something about it. If you don't like to workout I'd do what "anonymous" said. And I know my mom has the same "working out" problem so she joined Curves, maybe you can check that out. Good Luck!

Deborah Mello said...

I so agree, ladies!
I am working hard at it but it's slow going and I know I'm just frustrated because I would really like to wear a pair of shorts in this summer heat and not look like a sausage stuffed in a too-small casing!

Thanks for the support!