Friday, June 29, 2007


There is this classic scene in the 2004 Gabrielle Union / Jamie Foxx movie, Breaking All The Rules, where the character Mr. Lynch, played by Patrick Cranshaw, asks his physical therapist (Gabrielle) if she wants to hold his dick. The line is uttered with such seriousness, the actor’s deadpan expression so acute, that it’s a fall-out-of-your-chair-trying-not-to-pee-your-pants funny moment. It also doesn’t help when you have an offbeat sense of humor like moi ‘cause I found that scene absolutely hilarious. Every time I see that movie and that scene I think of my old people.

Mr. Ben could be Mr. Lynch. There is absolutely no shame in this old man’s game as he is determined he’s going to get laid by someone before he gets up out of here. In fact, if he could have it his way he’d have a heart attack in the midst of an orgasm, the end as fitting for his Viagra-toting soul as he could ever manage. He was evicted from the hospital, his leaving mutually agreed upon. The nursing staff was glad to see him go. He’s home now with a private nurse. A private male nurse and Mr. Ben's not happy about that thing. Number One Son is having a blast over it. I admit it’s funny as all get out to hear Mr. Ben whining and complaining but I swear his offspring has some repressed issues with his father that he’s never dealt with. To keep my girls out of the line of fire I stand at the foot of the bed when we visit. It’s safer that way. I can’t keep slapping an old man for getting fresh with my chest and Mr. Ben is working on a serious slap.

I have a cousin who is caring for her ailing mother. Great-aunt Gertie has “old-timer’s disease”, an advanced stage of Alzheimer’s stealing her precious mind. She can’t remember her name or who anyone is, but the old broad can work a pole with the best of them. There were rumors in the family that back in the day she use to dance striptease for a living but nothing that was ever confirmed or denied by anyone who truly knew. She did however give us an example recently that leaves me thinking that there might actually be some truth to the tales. Cousin has a pair of Grecian columns that lead into her dining room and for some strange reason, Miss Gertie used one to perform with. The old bat was having a good time with that pole, even managing to lift her leg just high enough to wrap it along the side as she shimmied from side to side, gyrating to some Marvin Gaye playing on the stereo. She capped off the moment by kissing cousin’s new boyfriend dead on the mouth. Boyfriend wasn’t at all happy about that thing. The rest of us found it funny as hell. Great-auntie has become quite a handful to care for, but cousin is determined that she will see this out to the end, her mother’s care all she can concern herself with.

The husband still recalls the moment he walked in on my granny’s sister. Auntie Jane was nearing the end of her full life and her health wasn’t treating her well. We’d come South to visit for the 4th of July weekend and the husband thought he’d lend a helping hand by cutting the grass before the big picnic. Leaving Auntie to nap the rest of us sneaked out of the house for a quick minute of shopping. When we returned home, the husband was sitting in a chair in the middle of the yard, arms crossed over his chest, looking like he was ready to go off on the first person that looked at him wrong. He was not a happy camper. Seems that Auntie woke up early from her nap. When the husband had come inside for a cool drink of water he heard her calling out for some help and he went to oblige. Imagine his surprise when he found her buck-naked in the bathroom proclaiming that she needed a helping hand. It was not a pretty sight! When it happened there wasn’t a one of us that could keep a straight face as he explained what had occurred. Even now, just thinking about it, has me giggling at the memory.

One of Auntie’s favorite sayings was, “my people, my people!” her gray head waving from side to side. My old people are surely giving my a few “my people, my people!” moments.

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