DEAR DEBBY - 4/1/07

Dear Debby is taking a break today and maybe next week too. I'm looking for advice for myself as I try to maneuver my way through a long standing problem that has resurfaced with a vengeance. It's far easier to be an outsider looking in at someone else's problems than it is to be smack dab in the middle of your own mess. And although I welcome words of wisdom and all the advice I know good intentions can offer, I ultimately know that I am the only one who can decide what is best for me. So while I figure out what I need to do for Debby, I imagine there's little advice I'm going to be able to offer anyone else. Until the next time, take care of yourselves!

DEAR DEBBY - 3/25/07

Dear Debby,

I have the responsibility of caring for my elderly father. He suffers from lung cancer, congestive heart failure and poor circulation because of diabetes. His prognosis is not good and recently I had to arrange for hospice. My problem is my brother and sister. Both are giving me grief that I am trying to rush daddy to his grave. Neither has stepped up to help me but they both question every decision I have had to make. Currently, daddy is kept medicated to keep him comfortable. My sister has called everyone in the family to tell them I am keeping him drugged to destroy the last few months he may have. I'm emotionally exhausted and tired of fighting with my family. I love my father and I don't know what to do. Can you give me some words of wisdom or help?

First, my hats off to your for stepping up to the plate as you have. I know from personal experience that caring for an elderly family member with no support takes a lot out of you so I applaud all your efforts.

Your father is in a hospice program because his doctor has assessed that his condition is terminal. Hospice assures that the time he has left will be spent as comfortably as possible which is what you and his care providers are doing. If you talk with the hospice staff they will advise you and your family during this difficult time. Please tell them the pressure you are under so that you and your siblings can receive some much-needed counseling and support. Hospice can help all of you through this transition. You have my sympathy.

Dear Debby,

Joe and I have been married for six years now. We have two daughters, ages three and five. I am a stay-at-home mom and Joe works hard to support us. For the most part he has been a good husband and father. My problem is that he takes his frustrations out on me. He has never hit me but he calls me foul names and sometimes talks to me like I'm trash. It hurts my feelings but Joe says this is normal in a relationship and I should just get over it. But I can't and when it happens I don't want to have anything to do with him. What should I do?

Tell Joe to get a clue. There is nothing normal about any man calling you foul names and disrespecting you. NOTHING. Joe needs to understand that not only is his behavior unacceptable, but that it will not be tolerated. Then you need to stand your ground. Joe may very well work hard to support you, but your job is twice what his is any day of the week. If you can't do it for yourself, then darn well do it for your daughters. The first man a little girl falls in love with is her father. She will measure every man who comes into her life by the standards he set. Make sure he's setting some good standards for them to compare. If they are witnessing daddy's bad behavior and you allow them to believe that it's okay, then they will think that any man can treat them badly and get away with it.

DEAR DEBBY - 3/11/2007

Dear Debby,

I really like your blog. I have a quick question since you write a lot about relationships and romance. What does love feel like? I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. Thanks.

First, thank you. I appreciate the support. Now, I don’t know that I can tell you what love feels like, but I can certainly tell you what it shouldn’t feel like. Love should not hurt. And I don’t care what anyone else says, there should be no pain associated with love. I personally think to believe otherwise is a load of crap. Love should make you giddy with joy. It should make you feel that anything is possible. When you know true love you want to be more than you have ever imagined yourself being. You work to be a better person overall. Love should make you feel valued. It should never leave you questioning your choices or feeling that you are less than the extraordinary creature that you are. Love should be about everything that is right and good. When you find that special person, you’ll know it’s love when you feel as good about yourself and him/her when you’re apart as you do when you’re together. That’s just my opinion. But trust me when I tell you, when it happens, you’ll know.

Dear Debby,

I want to have a baby but my boyfriend says he will leave me if that happens. What should I do?

Don’t get pregnant.

Since I don’t know how old you are I can only imagine that you haven’t been around the block enough to understand that when a man tells you he’s not interested in being the father of your children, he usually means it. If you are seriously considering bringing another life into this world, be in a position to care for all of that child’s needs, including being two parents if your male friend bails on you. Babies are expensive and they don’t get any cheaper as they get older. They also require a significant sacrifice of your time and energy if you are going to be a good parent. It's hard enough when you're in a relationship that's working. It can be pure hell when you're not. So don’t be in a rush. Make sure you have your stuff together before you travel that road. Own your own home, your own car. Finish school if that’s in the cards for you. Just don’t make a rash decision to get pregnant because you think it’s going to help you keep your man. As for your boyfriend, he’s made his position known. Respect it. And think about getting a new boyfriend. A man who not only comes to the table with as much or more than you, but who wants the same things for your life, and his, as you do. Personally, the boyfriend you have doesn’t sound like he’s much of a winner.

DEAR DEBBY - 3/4/07

Dear Debby got tangled up with a love story and the question posed had me pondering a response. It was a question that required me to consider my own personal values. And I have to admit that it touched a sensitive nerve.

Wesley and Denise have worked together for many years now. The duo became fast friends realizing quite quickly that they had much in common and shared many of the same goals. Neither ever imagined that they would share anything but friendship but as time has passed, both have discovered growing emotions that neither was prepared for. And because Denise is married both have been conscientious about not overstepping the boundaries that exist between them. It is not in her nature to be unfaithful to her husband, nor is it his to covet another man’s wife. Out of respect for each other and their respective families, neither has ever fully vocalized how they feel or what they may want to share with the other. But both have imagined what it could be like if they were able to commit to each other and both have denied themselves the possibility of fully embracing the dream.

Denise acknowledges that she married way too young and didn’t take the time to know her husband before they made a commitment to each other. Years later her husband’s infidelity, many lies and much heartache have marred the union. Denise says over the years she stayed for the sake of her children and the fear of being a single mother alone. She says she also believed that no other man would ever want her and half-a-man was better than no man at all.

The children are grown now and Denise wonders if this will be her only opportunity to ever know what true love with a man who actually loves her back could be like. Wesley wonders what may lie ahead for them, together or apart. He also wonders what others may think if Denise ends her marriage and they are able to build the successful relationship he believes they can have together. Although absolutely nothing has happened between them, he fears people will believe there was something happening before the marriage ended. He’s afraid of what her sons, and his, will think of them both. And so they asked,

Dear Debby,

Should we follow our hearts and do what feels right for both of us, or do we walk away from each other and forsake our chance for happiness? Do we accept that this should never happen and there will never be a time or place for us?

Never say never. Whatever is meant to be, will. Until Denise resolves her marital issues, one way or the other, there can truly be nothing between you, no matter what you think you may want. Adultery is a messy business and no one benefits from the transgression. Besides, that kind of lie requires far too much energy to maintain and will clearly demolish the strongest foundation of trust and respect that you claim to have for each other. Value the friendship for that and that alone. It very well may have to be enough.

As for your children, tread cautiously. I understand not wanting to lose their respect and wanting to set a good example for them. As well though, if your children are grown, when and it if becomes appropriate, then just be honest. The truth will always prevail no matter what other folks may want to believe. And though folks may question what started with you two when, the fact remains that your growing emotions have already put you in a precarious place. You may well not be sleeping together, but an emotional affair of the heart is still very much an affair.

DEAR DEBBY - 2/25/07

Dear Debby,

You really are a little full of yourself, aren’t you? I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks now and I’d like to know what makes you qualified to do this?

Actually, I’m a lot full of myself. I would hope that every woman gets to that point in her life when she is confident in her strengths, understanding of her weaknesses, and generally comfortable with the person she has matured into. I’m there and that alone allows me to be as full of myself as I damn well please. Now, the better question is what makes me unqualified and why should I not do this? I have the right to share my opinions, my thoughts, and my stories, as I’m so inclined. You have the option to ignore me or not. This is like TV – good and bad. If the program offends or bores you, change the channel.

Dear Debby,

My best friend is in an abusive relationship. I have seen her boyfriend yell and scream at her and call her names many times. He’s extremely jealous and has to know where she is all the time. I have never seen him hit her but the way she acts around him I think it may have happened. What should I do?

Have an open and frank discussion with your friend about what you believe is happening. When she denies it, and more than likely she will deny it, just let her know that you will always be there for her no matter what. If she is a victim of domestic violence she needs to know the following: the abuse is not her fault; she doesn’t deserve to be abused; she can’t change someone who is abusive; staying in the relationship won’t stop the abuse; with time, the abuse will get worse; she needs a plan in case the abuse gets worse.

Should she ever need to get away, she should be prepared. She should document her abuse and keep evidence (pictures, police reports, etc.) in a safe place. She should know who she can turn to and where she can go if she needs to run. She should leave extra money, a spare set of car keys, important papers, and extra clothes with someone she trusts. Her emergency kit should also include a list of important numbers like insurance, driver’s license, medication, checkbook, credit cards, etc.

Then you be prepared should she turn her back on your friendship. If that happens remember it’s not about you but about her own fears. Many years ago I suspected a close friend was being abused by her husband. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw him hit her so hard that he sent her flying across the room. I picked up the telephone and called the police. He was arrested on the spot. I told her everything I knew I needed to say to her. An hour later she was trying to get him bailed out. They are still together. She and I will occasionally speak on holidays. I live with the knowledge that I did what I know I needed to do. I miss her dearly and as her friend, I am still here for her should she ever need me to be. I accept that there is little else that I can do.

DEAR DEBBY - 2/18/07

My apology for the delay but folks was all up in my way this week. As a result, I've decided that the Dear Debby column will run on Sundays. It seems to fit the schedule better for the moment. Enjoy!

Dear Debby,

I feel like my family and friends are walking all over me. For years I have helped my sisters with their children, buying gifts over the holidays and such, but not one of my sisters ever did the same for my kids. When my sister’s husband was sick this year I called her every day to check on her and her family to see if there was anything I could do to help but when my husband had a stroke, no one called me regularly to check on me. Am I wrong to feel the way I feel?

No, you are as entitled to your feelings as the next guy but whining about your feelings doesn't serve any grand purpose. It sounds like there are other issues eating away at you. First, you feel like everyone is walking all over you. Understand that people will only do to you what you allow them to do. If you don’t like how you’re being treated then put a stop to it. There’s a tactful way to say you’re not happy or if necessary, forget the tact and just say whatever is on your mind. As for doing things for others that they might not do in return for you, ask yourself why you did what you did in the first place. Did you buy gifts because you wanted to or felt it was the right thing to do? If so, then whether or not your family did the same in return is of no consequence. Obviously they didn’t want to, couldn’t, or didn’t feel they needed to. If you’ve only done the things you’ve done expecting to get the same in return, then you clearly set yourself up for disappointment. So suck it up, move on, and the next time wait for them to do for you first before you make the decision to do for them. Otherwise, do what you do because that’s what’s in your heart to do, then sit back and enjoy the knowledge that what you did do came from a purely unselfish place.


Dear Debby,

I’ve been dating Ron for three years now. We met in church and hit it off immediately. Ron is everything that I could ever wish for in a man. His business takes him out of country for extended periods of time but when he’s here we have a great time together. Neither Ron nor I have ever been married and we have no children. Ron is in his early fifties and I just turned 48. I own my home and Ron owns his own home with a business associate who travels as much as he does. Their house is situated so that the two men share the common areas, the kitchen, living and dining rooms, and then they have their own separate bedrooms and baths on different sides of the house. My friends think there’s something questionable about their living arrangements, but I’ve been in the house many times and haven’t found anything to be out of the normal. My problem is that I would love for us to take our relationship to the next level but can’t seem to get Ron motivated. In our three years we’ve never been intimate, just casual goodnight kisses and hugs, and not because I don’t want to but because Ron has always been a perfect gentleman and has never taken the initiative to get romantic. Any suggestions for me?

I suggest that you accept the fact that Ron is either not interested in you in that way or that he’s gay and not interested in you in that way. In three years there should have been some sign on either his part or yours that you wanted to be more than friends. Have you ever discussed the issue with him? Have you thought about asking Ron about his sexual orientation? In this day and age you don’t have time to play with your health, emotional or otherwise. Ask the man. We women need to do a better job of communicating with men if we ever want to get anywhere with them. Tell him what you’re thinking and be ready for answers that might not be what you want to hear. Then be ready to find a man who wants the same things you do. Ron may not be that man and friendship with the casual kisses may be all that you two will ever share.

Dear Debby - Column 1

Welcome To Dear Debby! I was going to do this twice per week but I've decided to just see how it goes. So for now, Dear Debby will run every Friday. Do you have a pressing question you want to ask, a problem you want to air anonymously? Click the link in the sidebar to email me. And let's not forget the required legal yada-yada. This is for entertainment purposes only.

Dear Debby,
My sister and I are not close. Nor is she close to anyone else in the family. Historically she will come and go from our lives as the moment moves her. She has never held down a job for longer than a few months. She has had three husbands that we know of and gave up her only child for adoption without asking the family for help even though she knew any one of us would have taken the child in. This last time she stayed away for almost three years then showed up unannounced as if nothing had happened. Our father died this past year and she was not at the funeral, claiming she couldn’t get a flight home when we were finally able to track her down.. At a recent family gathering she took offense when our mother commented about her lifestyle and habits in front of other family members. Even though what our mother said was true, my sister has been in a rage ever since. I feel caught in the middle. Any advice on how I should handle this?

Let your sister rage all she wants to. Whatever choices she’s made for her life, she made without thought for anyone else and for her own personal reasons. Sometimes, in some places, the truth is best left unsaid. I have no doubts your sister didn’t appreciate having your mother air her dirty laundry out in public. But your sister will get over it. Sometimes the truth hurts but sometimes hearing the truth when we least want to serves to help open our eyes to what we need to change in our lives. Your sister is crying out for attention. Maybe facing the truth will help her seek the help she might need. Just let her know you’re there for her, that you love her, but that you won’t coddle her tantrums or pretend that her mistakes haven’t impacted your life and your mother’s life. Then just be ready to listen.

Dear Debby,
I am fourteen years old. My father is very strict. He won’t let me go out with my friends, not even to hang out at the mall. I have to get good grades in school or I’m not allowed to participate in drama, dance, or extra-curricular activities. I feel he is being very unfair. How can I convince him to give me more freedom like my friends have?

Okay, so you’re saying that if the grades are good, Dad lets you participate in drama, dance, and extra-curriclular activities? Seems to me that your father is giving you plenty of freedom as long as you’re doing the right things to earn that freedom. I’m sure your father is doing everything he has to do to keep you safe and secure because he knows it’s a big, scary world out here for a young girl with no one to look out for her. So suck it up. Be smart. Keep the grades up and I’m sure your father will continue to work with you. Life isn’t fair, especially when you’re thirteen. But trust me when I tell you that this will pass. Dad might be tough now but he is only preparing you for when you get his age and life really gets tough. So cut him some slack and I’m sure he’ll be more than willing to work with you as you get older and continue to make him proud.

DEAR DEBBY,

A friend recently suggested that I start my own advice column. I'd initially dismissed the thought, but have since reconsidered. I remember reading Dear Abby and Ann Landers growing up and thinking that in all their efforts to be politically correct there were times when they just needed to tell the writers to get a life and stop bitching and whining about crap. There are folks who continually seek out my advice and I think it’s because I have no qualms about telling them to get a life. I don’t have time to sugarcoat stuff. Besides, too much sugar coating usually taints the message and the person in need is so busy getting high off the sweet that they fail to get the substance of the advice all together. The more I've been thinking about the idea, the more I'm inclined to say, what the heck, why not? Of course, my Dear Debby column will just do what I do best: shoot straight from the hip after the appropriate warnings for one to duck.

Sage advice is truly not for the faint of heart. If you ask me what I think about something and I tell you the truth, don’t take offense. You ask and I’ll answer. If you want me to tell you what you think about something then that’s the question you should pose to me. Only then will you hear what you want to hear and not necessarily what you might need to hear. So, I’m hanging out my sign. The column is now open but know that you enter at your own risk and beware, you might want to duck.

Dear Debby will run ever Friday and Sunday starting Friday, February 9, 2007. I’m sure I probably should include one of those disclaimers that says this is for entertainment purposes only so here it is. Let’s hope you’ll be entertained.