Sunday, February 18, 2007

DEAR DEBBY - 2/18/07

My apology for the delay but folks was all up in my way this week. As a result, I've decided that the Dear Debby column will run on Sundays. It seems to fit the schedule better for the moment. Enjoy!

Dear Debby,

I feel like my family and friends are walking all over me. For years I have helped my sisters with their children, buying gifts over the holidays and such, but not one of my sisters ever did the same for my kids. When my sister’s husband was sick this year I called her every day to check on her and her family to see if there was anything I could do to help but when my husband had a stroke, no one called me regularly to check on me. Am I wrong to feel the way I feel?

No, you are as entitled to your feelings as the next guy but whining about your feelings doesn't serve any grand purpose. It sounds like there are other issues eating away at you. First, you feel like everyone is walking all over you. Understand that people will only do to you what you allow them to do. If you don’t like how you’re being treated then put a stop to it. There’s a tactful way to say you’re not happy or if necessary, forget the tact and just say whatever is on your mind. As for doing things for others that they might not do in return for you, ask yourself why you did what you did in the first place. Did you buy gifts because you wanted to or felt it was the right thing to do? If so, then whether or not your family did the same in return is of no consequence. Obviously they didn’t want to, couldn’t, or didn’t feel they needed to. If you’ve only done the things you’ve done expecting to get the same in return, then you clearly set yourself up for disappointment. So suck it up, move on, and the next time wait for them to do for you first before you make the decision to do for them. Otherwise, do what you do because that’s what’s in your heart to do, then sit back and enjoy the knowledge that what you did do came from a purely unselfish place.

Dear Debby,

I’ve been dating Ron for three years now. We met in church and hit it off immediately. Ron is everything that I could ever wish for in a man. His business takes him out of country for extended periods of time but when he’s here we have a great time together. Neither Ron nor I have ever been married and we have no children. Ron is in his early fifties and I just turned 48. I own my home and Ron owns his own home with a business associate who travels as much as he does. Their house is situated so that the two men share the common areas, the kitchen, living and dining rooms, and then they have their own separate bedrooms and baths on different sides of the house. My friends think there’s something questionable about their living arrangements, but I’ve been in the house many times and haven’t found anything to be out of the normal. My problem is that I would love for us to take our relationship to the next level but can’t seem to get Ron motivated. In our three years we’ve never been intimate, just casual goodnight kisses and hugs, and not because I don’t want to but because Ron has always been a perfect gentleman and has never taken the initiative to get romantic. Any suggestions for me?

I suggest that you accept the fact that Ron is either not interested in you in that way or that he’s gay and not interested in you in that way. In three years there should have been some sign on either his part or yours that you wanted to be more than friends. Have you ever discussed the issue with him? Have you thought about asking Ron about his sexual orientation? In this day and age you don’t have time to play with your health, emotional or otherwise. Ask the man. We women need to do a better job of communicating with men if we ever want to get anywhere with them. Tell him what you’re thinking and be ready for answers that might not be what you want to hear. Then be ready to find a man who wants the same things you do. Ron may not be that man and friendship with the casual kisses may be all that you two will ever share.

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