TO LOVE AND LOSE

Her man asked her once if she felt neglected. And even as she told him 'no' she knew that he would never truly understand that neglect was all she’d ever known. Neglect was certain and sure in her life, the one thing she could always depend on and trust. But his lack of interest during a time when his focus was needed elsewhere didn’t feel anything like the disregard that had been her birthright. With him she felt wanted even when she didn’t have his full attention. And so neglect was something she couldn’t associate with him and them together. Neglect had never reared its ugly head between them.

Her man asked her once why she took the risk to be with him. She couldn’t quite comprehend the question, never once feeling threatened by the dynamics of their relationship. He was more pragmatic about the two of them together. She simply allowed herself to fall into the beauty of the moment with all else being damned. The only peril she feared was losing him and them and the possibilities of a future the two could share. He’d never know that she would risk what little in her life that she had for the chance to love him and have him love her back. For him, she was willing to lose it all.

There are moments when she sees the doubt in his eyes, questions he will not ask furrowing his brow. His doubt feeds her insecurity and she finds herself lost in old fears and anxiety that only the soft touch of his hands and the warmth of his breath against her skin can stall.

They say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. She imagines they never knew love the way she wants to know love. She cannot fathom having it and losing it and if that’s what the future holds for her, she’d much rather not know love at all.