Friday, June 12, 2009


My mama didn’t raise no fool. So when my very special friend asked me a very hard question, I knew to be exceptionally careful with the answer. I knew what was in my heart to say. I also knew what was in my friend’s heart not to hear. And so I said nothing. I told him that I didn’t know, that I had no answer.

I am fairly certain that if I had been totally honest I would have been setting myself up for rejection. Disappointment can be brutal. Purposely walking into its path is foolish. And my mama didn’t raise no fool.

Now I’m sitting here angry. Angry at myself, and him. But I couldn’t, however, begin to tell you what the heck it is I’m angry about. Being angry made me ugly. That ugly came spilling out like water from an open faucet. I’m still apologizing for my behavior and still appalled at myself for acting so badly.

What I know is that I’m frustrated. Lately, conversations started with good intentions always seem to turn into indictments about things I cannot begin to change and events that have no bearing on the here and now.

What I see is that judgment is being passed against me, the weight of it suffocating my spirit.

What I feel is profound sadness that someone who should know me well, doesn’t seem to know me at all.

And I’m confident that this will all soon pass if I'm willing to make the effort. It'll be like climbing one big ass tree and if I'm careful how I step I will be better for the experience.

But just in case it doesn’t, I’m already prepping the brick and mortar to shield myself from the hurt of it all. My mama didn’t raise no fool.

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