TRYING TO SURVIVE...

I am in this very funky place right now. A conversation with an old friend truly has me reeling. I think most people make the assumption that what they do and when they do it makes perfect sense to everyone else because it makes sense to them. Just because there was no long, drawn out discussion about the whys and how comes of your actions, you think folks who love and care for you would inevitably understand. I know I did. I discovered yesterday just how wrong I was. People only understand what they see. They don’t have a clue about the stuff you don’t share with them or what they haven’t been witness to.

My marital status or lack there of would seem to be a point of consternation for people in my life, most especially my children. Why I chose to leave on this date and not that date, why I didn’t leave that month when I said but this month when I hadn’t, why I left at all or why I didn’t leave sooner, would seem to be a point of issue for some folks. Many are still dwelling on details I have been trying desperately to let go of.

Ending a relationship is hard. Walking away from years of unhappiness was the easiest thing I have ever been able to do. Trying to manage how other people felt about it however has been pure hell. Leaving my marriage had me making decisions on what was in the best interest of my family and even my friends before it was even in my best interest. I was too quick to give consideration to what others would want and falling into a pit of fear of what some might think. I also didn’t think it necessary to rehash and share every sordid detail to justify my behavior or my decisions. I just muddled through doing what I knew I had to do.

I can’t go back and change what I didn’t do right or what I definitely did wrong. I did the best I could with what I had to work with. And I tried to maintain my dignity and hold tight to my spirit while I did. Marriage was hard. I had hoped divorce wouldn’t be. Now I’m wishing family and friends would cut me an ounce of slack. All I’m trying to do is survive.