THANK YOU TO AN EX-HUSBAND

For every ex-husband who deserves a few words of thanks and for every ex-wife who knows why...

Dear Ex-Hubby,

Thank you so much for all your sweet words. How could I have forgotten why I have all this love in my heart for you, and for us, together as a couple! I’m delighted to see that your church has helped you find God because that sincere display of Christian behavior is to be commended.

My day wouldn’t have been complete without you reminding me what a horrible, horrible person I am. How much I miss being told what a whore and tramp I have been for all these years. Thank you for reminding me of all the wonderful moments we’ve shared because I certainly had forgotten how sustaining and comforting it is to have you rant and rage at me with such venom. I can’t for the life of me figure out why I would have wanted to leave all of that anger and hostility behind. What in the world could I have been thinking not to want to hold on to all the bitterness and hurt that comes when I least expect it. Just slap my forehead at the absurdity!

I am so certain that all of this nasty business between us is all my fault. What right did I have to think that you should be held to the same accountability that I am being held to? Clearly my brain was lacking oxygen to believe such a thing! Fathom my idiocy to believe that fair could be fair! I apologize profusely for that ignorance.

And thank you for knowing and sharing my future plans with me. I had no idea I was thinking of marrying again. Imagine that! How I didn't know that I want to be held hostage by yet another legal document and another man who might want to manipulate and control my life because a piece of paper says he can is just beyond me! What was I thinking to want to miss out on all of that fun and excitement! And me wanting to marry a cocksucker is even more thrilling! I don't know why I didn' t figure it out sooner that you and me not being together has to be about me wanting to be with someone else. Admittedly, I was a little slow comprehending that newsflash so thank you for clarifying it for me. You always did know what I wanted before I did!

What would I do if I didn’t have you to trounce my joy over and over again? How would I possibly survive if you didn’t call me a slut and a bitch on a regular basis? Where would I be if you couldn’t let me know what it is I’m doing that is so horribly wrong since I clearly don’t have a clue? What was I thinking to believe that my future might actually be about me wanting better for myself that didn’t involve being in an unhealthy and mutually abusive relationship. Slap my hands for that dumb thought! Just imagine how unfulfilling my existence would be if I didn’t have you to insure that I know I don’t deserve any joy that a loving man such as yourself can’t manipulate and control.

So, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

I wish you continued success in all your efforts to denounce my name and make me out to be the villainess that you say I am. May all your efforts to steal my happiness and bring me as much sadness as you can possibly muster fill you with overwhelming joy. I owe you every ounce of misery that can be mustered up in my life and I so appreciate you wanting to make sure I pay my debt to you. I’m certain, beyond any doubt, that I deserve everything you say is coming to me and it just fills my spirit to know that you are going to do whatever is in your power to make sure that happens. What will I do without you?

With warmth, affection, and one hell of a very BIG smile,
Your stupid, pathetic, whore and slut for an ex-wife.

...Whew! I feel so much better now!