Monday, October 02, 2006


I am reminded of a moment in time when things weren’t going well for me. Not only was I unhappy with life, but life was really unhappy with me. Had I been able to I would have just walked away from it all and never looked back. Unfortunately, there were children who were dependent on me, family with expectations, employers making demands, bill collectors trailing my every move, and there didn’t seem to be an end to it all. Because I couldn’t walk away, I kept smiling, holding all my frustration and unhappiness inside. It was mine and mine alone to contend with and I was determined not to allow it to invade anyone else’s life. I firmly believed that my problems were my problems to deal with by my lonesome.

During that time I made some really great choices and probably just as many really bad choices. When desperate times feel like they call for desperate measures it is sometimes difficult to see one’s way straight and I readily admit that I couldn’t begin to see my way clear at all.

I have often wished that I had opened up to someone to ask for help if only to have had a sounding board to bounce the problems and what I thought were solutions off of. But I was too proud, too ashamed, and just too embarrassed to even contemplate sharing that part of myself with anyone else. Being so only compounded many of the bad choices I made.

I have often wondered if things would have been different if someone, anyone, had simply asked me what was wrong, what was happening in my world, and how they could have helped. I remember how that unhappiness felt behind my smile. I have often wondered why no one who knew me well could not see it.

I wonder because I can now see it in a loved one’s face. I can hear it in the inflection of their words. I know it exists because of the things they are doing, the choices they are making for themselves. They pretend to be well but my intuition is screaming that things aren’t well at all. I had convinced myself that they would ask for help if help was needed. But then I remember that I didn’t and I remember why.

I will not ask how things are going or how they are doing. I know that answer. I know the response will simple be “okay”. Instead I will let them know getting past a bad time is easier if you don’t have to do it alone. Then I will ask what I can do to help get them through. It's important that I do something because I know what it's like when nothing is done at all.


Anonymous said...

I know what you mean, there are times that I wish someone would do the same for me. I tend to hold everything inside and act like everything is okay but it isn't. Now I try to write down how I am feeling or talk to a friend about hwo I feeling.


Anonymous said...

Always know that I am here for you at all times. With Golden friends, there are no pretenses, we know the good and the bad.