GET MY JOY BACK

As I sit here in the wee hours of the morning playing a game of solitaire with insomnia, it dawns on me that I am in situation with a friend that does not make me happy. But I’m in it because it seems to be doing wonders for the friend. They would seem to be thriving but it is not bringing me an ounce of delight.

People-pleasing has been the bane of my existence for most of my life. For too long I didn’t know how to say no and saying yes became my mantra. I’m doing better with that but I don’t seem to be able to get over my compulsive need to make other people happy at the expense of my own contentment.

Between these games of solitaire, I’ve been trying to rationalize what all is right with the way things are between this person and me. It’s a short list in comparison to all that is wrong. The individual and I have had numerous conversations about our situation and why things need to change to benefit us both. After each conversation we digress back to what works for them. My feelings would seem to be inconsequential. And I truly am not happy with the situation between us.

It dawned on me that I haven’t been happy in a good while and I should be. But everything about my friend and I is wrong in so many ways. And I’ve grown extremely tired of making things work for other people when it means sacrificing my own joy.

Sitting here I realize that to preserve my own sanity I really need to kick my friend to the curb and move on without them. I need to get my joy back. And now that I have had my light bulb moment I’d give anything to be able to kick insomnia to the curb, too.