NOT HER HOME

Jenna had thought of his space as home once. But it wasn’t. She was reminded of that when she returned for the first time. She didn’t think going back would be as hard as it was, but it was difficult. Too many memories haunted her and she hadn’t expected that.

She hadn’t thought she’d have any problems, believing that she had reconciled with his decision for her to leave, her presence having caused him much angst. Bu going back she felt his rejection all over again, the hurt of it pulling at her spirit. Despite his best efforts to make her feel welcome, she couldn’t get past the fact that he hadn’t wanted her and he hadn’t wanted her there, in his home, with him.

She forced a smile on her face, praying that if she focused hard on the upward bend of her mouth, she wouldn’t feel the turmoil in her heart. She surely didn’t want her emotions to show. Because it had been his home. And he had never once promised that it would ever be hers. And she knew he hadn’t wanted her there. It was not her home.

PLAY SOME MARY...

Gregory changed the rules of their relationship and now Gretchen is in a tailspin, fighting back depression and just wanting the hurt of it to stop and be over so she can feel whole again,

I told Gretchen her first mistake was giving her man control of her emotions. Gretchen countered that love took away her control, not Gregory. He simply benefitted from the experience. That one made me smile.

She's been playing Luther Vandross over and over again on her radio. Luther's quandry has become Gretchen's, the two of them asking for a reason to want their loved one back. Wondering why they should love again, pondering how to forgive and forget...

I told my girl to listen to some Mary J. Blige instead. To start with Testimony 'cause trouble don't last always, then play her some Enough Cryin', thinking she needs someone to carry her, and when all was said and done, play Mary's Stronger. Play it again and again until she realizes she is, even if it did take the hurt Gregory laid on her heart to get her there.

NOTHING CHANGES

The dynamics of past relationships can most assuredly linger with you longer than you would like. Sometimes we don’t know just how long. The ex-hubby and I do not have a civil relationship. My children are disturbed by it. Other people don’t understand it.

My very special friend asked me what or who was keeping the ex and I from being friends, most especially for the sake of our children. You see, he and his baby mama are very good friends, but that’s a blog for another day. He also doesn’t see any reason for folks to still be harboring animosity but that, as well, is a whole other post.

At the time I didn’t have the words to explain what I knew. I really didn’t think the man would understand it. Having lived it most of my adult life I don’t know if it really makes much sense to me. And then when the ugly of it rears up for attention, it does.

My baby boy resides with his father. This sometimes requires me to meet him in the driveway of their home. I’m not allowed past the front gate. Rarely, if ever, do I come into contact with his father. My son works diligently to time it that way. This morning was an exception. My baby boy didn’t expect his father to come back for something he’d forgotten. The man pulled into the driveway just seconds ahead of me.

Seeing no reason not to be polite I wished my ex a good morning. He asked me what I wanted. I had forgotten how easily he can lace a simple question with so much profanity.

With the level of discomfort rising, my conversation with my baby boy was exceptionally brief. As I made my exit I told his father, who was standing guard over his front porch, to have a good day. The man responded by grabbing the cheeks of his behind and telling me to kiss his very wide ass. The look of dismay on my child’s face broke my heart. Again.

In the confines of my marriage it was one thing when the abuse impacted only me. It was something all together different when my children were impacted by it. Their father didn’t care who it touched as long as he left a trail of devastation behind him.

An individual who doesn’t care about anyone or anything isn’t interested in being anyone’s friend. When that individual wasn’t a friend in the relationship they most assuredly can’t be a friend out of it. My ex-husband has never been my friend, most especially when we were married. I find it highly unlikely that this will ever change.

Things change when people want it to change. Historically, my ex-hubby has never been much interested in anything changing.

And what I also know for certain is that my finally being happy and no longer controlled by his abuse pisses my ex-husband right off. So much so that he can’t fathom moving past all of his anger to at least be decent for the sake of our children. He wished me ill will in the relationship and right now his hatred for me is palpable.

Some things will never change.

READING THE MAN'S WORDS

He has a blog like I do. His is one of the few that I follow with bated breath. I typically like what he has to say. But sometimes I read the man’s words and they leave me feeling as though I’m missing something. And so I find myself reading his words over and over again trying to figure out what it is that has slipped over my head without my realizing it.

I’ve even gone back and reread words that I’d thought I’d missed but really hadn’t. Then it hit me. I needed to read between the lines. It wasn’t about what he had actually said, but more about the emotion he couldn’t convey. It was all about the things he couldn’t put down on paper. Those things he was feeling and experiencing that were foreign to the true nature of who he was and contradicted with the man he was trying to be.

He has these honest moments where he spills his soul out for all of us to see but if the truth were told honest isn’t quite that honest. He claims to be sharing his hurt and frustration but trying to man up and not say just how damn sick and tired he is with his situation really has him saying very little at all. Everything has gotten sugar-coated as he strives to be politically correct and not hurt the ones who love him most.

Because the ones who love him most haven’t yet figured out just how damn sick and tired he is with his situation.

TO BE OR NOT TO BE...

Being in a new relationship sometimes requires you to walk a land mine of emotions. I find myself questioning how one can do any relationship successfully and not be selfish about it, most especially if it is not in one’s nature to be selfish. Must you be selfish with your time and yourself to have a successful relationship? Will being selfish with yourself and your time do your relationship more harm than good? I’m actually conflicted.

Where is that balance? Shouldn’t you be a little selfish in a relationship? My very special friend and I navigate family, friends, a business, and a host of responsibilities that eat up a significant portion of our time. There never seems to be enough hours in a day for just the two of us before we have to start our routines all over again. It leaves very little quality time for he and I together that doesn’t get interrupted by someone else’s needs. Were we both more selfish, we’d have more time together that we wouldn’t allow others to intrude on. But that is not the nature of either of us.

But it begs the question, are we short changing each other and our relationship by not being a little selfish? Is it wrong of us to want to have each other longer than an hour here or there where neither of us is fielding phone calls or putting out someone else’s fire? Do we do ourselves a disservice by not expecting and demanding more of each other’s time that isn’t about the drama others lay on us to resolve? Will the wanting and not having do more harm than good to the bond that exists between us?

I feel like we’re walking a land mine to balance our needs with our wants. And I keep waiting for the wrong step when it all explodes around us.

MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS

I don't watch music award shows. They typically annoy me. More times than not the acoustics are so bad that they take away from the performances. Then you have idiots who seem to go out of their way to be even more idoitic.

So when I found myself watching the MTV Video Awards with my favorite guy I wasn't expecting but so much. What I wanted most was to see Janet Jackson's tribute performance to her brother Michael. That I enjoyed much. I was also grateful that it came early in the show. I don't think I could have stomached watching all the other dribble to see Janet do her thing.

Then 19-year old Taylor Swift won for best female video. It was her first music award. I'm a big fan of firsts and although I can't profess to be a big fan of her music I applauded her win.

Her big moment however was interrupted by the one and only Kanye West, who in his usual ignorant, obnoxious fashion felt it necessary to steal the spotlight to shout out that Beyonce's video was best. It was the most mean-spirited thing anyone could have ever done.

I don't like Kanye. I'm not even moved by his music because the ugly he projects in everything else he does overshadows what little talent he might possess. For him to interject his personal opinion in someone else's moment when he didn't need to be on stage in the first place was totally uncalled for.

I don't imagine that Kanye's mother raised him to be so disrespectful. I'm sure if she could reach down from heaven and pimp slap him against the back of his exceptionally big head, she would.

And I have no doubts that one day, Kanye will insult the wrong person and someone else would do what his late mother can't. I just hope that when that happens, it hurts. Much. Kanye deserves a good pimp slap and so much more.

After Kanye's hatefest and Lady GaGa (who I really don't get) I was too through. Reruns of the Andy Griffith Show were promising to be far more entertaining. But my favorite guy persisted and despite some horrific musical moments I felt redeemed when Beyonce showed why she is truly the new Queen of the music world. After winning the award for Best Video, Beyonce called Taylor back on stage on told her to take her moment. That and Pink's performance (did you see that girl!) made the whole night worth it.

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES...

So, I’ve not been getting a good dose of my reality TV meds lately. My favorite guy and I have found The Real Housewives of Atlanta completely lacking. The commercials make for some interesting conversations and after each and every episode we can’t help but ask ourselves “why?”

Why would seemingly intelligent women exploit themselves so wantonly?

In the first season of Housewives of Atlanta I loved NeNe Leakes. I thought she was funny, engaging, and refreshingly honest. This season I’m rethinking my opinion. She is still funny, still engaging, but each of her episodes now seem way too contrived and she comes across as just plain loud and obnoxious.

The new “wife”, Kandi Burruss, won’t last long. She’s not bringing enough drama. She’s raising her daughter, her mother doesn’t like her boyfriend and won’t be moved from that opinion and Kandi seems most real. Plus, she cries. A lot. For me, Kandi just doesn’t have enough spark to hold folks’ attention.

Lisa Wu Harwell got herself some air time this season and she’s working it to her full advantage. The problem I’m having though is she’s working it instead of just letting it happen and happen well. My favorite Lisa episodes though are those with her husband Ed. Ed use to play football. Ed is foine. The man makes for very nice eye-candy when the wives are acting like fools.

And speaking of fools, don’t get me started on Sheree Whitfield. Sheree has abandoned any semblance of decorum and I can’t help but wonder what kind of deal she brokered with Bravo to do so. I am truly hoping they are paying her those six figures she didn’t get in her divorce settlement and that is why she is making such a complete and utter ass out of herself. She is so much better than the “character” she has created for television. I truly hope she will eventually find her way back from the far side.

And last but not least, is hot trailer mess, Kim Zolciak. I’ve got some issues with that cheap trick. I didn’t miss good ole’ girl’s comment last week while prepping for NeNe’s alter ego photo shoot. Initially, NeNe wanted Kim’s alter ego to be a black woman. I didn’t get it but hey. Kim didn’t want to be a black woman. So, NeNe decided she could do this Stepford Wife thing instead. Then that heifer and I don’t use that term lightly, has the audacity to say she didn’t like that either but it would have been “worse” to have been transformed into a black woman. “Worse?” Oh, no she didn’t! Plus, I don’t have any respect for a woman who brags about a married man maintaining her in exchange for sexual favors. They have corners for that kind of thing and Kim would do well to find one and crawl under it. She actually said it would be worse to be a black woman! I wanted to pull her wig off for that one!

Overall, the only folks I’m liking this season are the sixth girlfriend Dwight Eubanks and Kim’s wig-making, high-heel wearing, hand-bag swinging, gay friend. I think those two guys would have a far better show of their own.

Thank goodness Tyra is back with a new season of Top Model!

MONICA JACKSON

Lord have mercy! This weekend wrecked my last nerve and had me about to jump ship on too, too many levels. Then just like a wave of cool air I clicked on one of my favorite sites and there was LIFE!

Monica Jackson is back, and well, I for one, and clearly many others, are absolutely thrilled.

All is suddenly well in the world again.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

You can always see the beginning of the end. Whether or not you are willing to admit it is something else all together. In life we have to make choices. We hope that the choices we make are in not only our own best interest, but in the best interest of those who might be depending on us. In relationships, it’s not always about the couple themselves, but the family around them whose lives they impact. We must especially be cognizant of the children and how our actions will ultimately impact their young lives.

I have a friend who loved a man so much that she neglected her young daughter’s feelings, putting her relationship with her man before her child. Fast forward some twenty years later and that daughter is still trying to reconcile what she feels for her mother with what she knows she should feel. There is no balance between them and her mother has only herself to blame. That man only remained in their two lives for a brief period and then he was gone, never to be heard from again. The wounds he left behind were deep, both women still bleeding from the hurt that had ravaged their relationship.

Another friend could never imagine putting anyone before her children, not even herself and so she sacrificed years of her own happiness to insure theirs. She existed in an unhealthy relationship believing it was the right thing to do and now that her children are grown and gone, the few avenues of joy that had once existed have all dried and withered away. All alone, girlfriend can’t even begin to fathom a future where she might actually come first in someone else’s life, most especially since there is no someone else on the horizon.

Josephine looked to both women for answers to her own relationship dilemma. She’s head over heels in love with a man whose young children aren’t happy about her being in their daddy’s life. The son thinks she’s trying too hard to take his mother’s place and the daughter resents her presence all together. Daddy finds himself stuck between a rock and a hard place wanting to respect his children’s feelings and be true to what he is feeling for Josephine. So Josephine reached out for our opinions about what she and her man should do.

I think Josephine feels that she is seeing the beginning of the end. Her guy doesn’t necessarily agree. Ugly raised its head and the babies said they weren’t happy about their father’s relationship. Boyfriend’s first instinct was to send Josephine away until they could figure out how to fix what might be broke. He sent Josephine away. I can’t help but wonder why she needed to be gone for them to work on the problem if their being happy together is their ultimate goal.

But I also feel that his kids feelings have to be taken into consideration and the choices that may be made can’t just be about what this couple might want with each other. But I think if making it work were remotely possible, Josephine would be with her guy, and the kids, the four working together to find the balance they need with each other.

Instead, Josephine got sent away and now she's sitting in an empty house, all alone, wondering where it, and them, went wrong.

THIRD ON THE 3rd...

Isn’t it funny that people can say they love you and their actions display the opposite?

Actions will forever speak louder than words. So preach what you speak and do it with passion. Speak as if it’s going out of fashion! Because at the end of the day, words are just words until you mean what you say.

So, if you’re guilty of this neglectful tendency and you want to change your ways, first look in the mirror, and seek the truth, before turning to the one you love and saying, I love you, babe.

Third

COMING SOON...!...

The young brother had a game plan that he laid out for me to consider. It had possibilities but I had my reservations. He was persistent, stepping up his presentation and I had to admit that I liked what he had to say.

We negotiated back and forth until we came to a mutual understanding of each other's expectations. When all was said and done I couldn't help but wonder what I may have gotten myself into. With his confidence and cocky 15-year old swagger I don't think he has many concerns at all.

The boy has a penchent for expensive shoes, an eye for pretty girls, and a sense of humor that may very well make him a superstar one day.

He asked for space, and my audience, and I'm going to give it to him. I agreed because I find his talent refreshing. The young man can write and he doesn't even know it yet. He's got a big voice, with much to say and I respect that he wants to be heard. I think he could do this in his own blog space and I said so. He responded that he needed time to grow, so baby steps would serve him well. I could respect that as well. So my blog will be his training wheels. I imagine he'll soon ride off into the sunset with me trying to see past the dust he's kicked up.

I've given him one day each month that's his day. He's a third generation son carrying the same family name as his father and his grandfather. Westley Woody the Third. And he'll be here, in full swagger, every third day of the month.

THIRD on the 3rd...Don't Miss It!

WHAT'S IT GOING TO TAKE?

There is only one man in my life who still has the ability to push my buttons and send me over the edge. Not one of my boys nor my very special friend can have me grinding my teeth and reaching for a stiff drink the way my father can.

My relationship with my father has been a whirlwind of extremes. Right up to my sixth birthday I was daddy’s favorite girl. Then just like that something changed. By the time I was sixteen I’d declared him my worst enemy and he wasn’t too happy with me either. When I married the ex-hubby my father didn’t talk to me for three years, not even to say hello.

Over the years daddy and I have established boundaries with each other that we know not to cross. It’s a very rare occasion that we bump heads and when we do we typically don’t bump heads but so hard, most especially since the old guy had his stroke. I know I haven’t been the greatest daughter but I’ve been more mindful about trying to be a good one.

And just like that something changed, again. Nothing makes the man happy and everything I do seems to grate on his last nerve. Once again I’m getting the silent treatment and for the first time I don’t think I did anything wrong to deserve it.

So now I’m grinding my teeth, tossing back shots of Jack like its water, and wondering, short of being five years old, what is it going to take to be my daddy’s favorite girl again.

CAUGHT UP

Cheryl got caught up. The boyfriend had her thinking he was ready to take their relationship to the next level and she got caught up. Before she knew it she had allowed herself to imagine the what-ifs and the maybes. Cheryl started fiending after the fantasy and it felt good to her. Boyfriend even had the audacity to indulge her fantasies, playing pretend right along with her. But for Cheryl there was nothing pretend about the hope she’d put in the life time she had hoped to share with the man. She was seeking the reality and got herself caught right up in the want of it.

When boyfriend asked her out of the blue why she was suddenly so obsessed with taking that next step, it was as if he’d burst her balloon and her joy juice was seeping out of it at warp speed. Her happy evaporated because it didn’t take much to understand that boyfriend wasn’t feeling the excitement that she had been feeling. He wasn’t caught up at all. Boyfriend wasn’t really ready or wanting what Cheryl was imagining and realizing that just totally killed Cheryl’s buzz.