HOT DAMN!

In the last two weeks I have been keeping some obscene hours. And I mean obscene like I haven’t been getting home until wee hours of the early morning to catch a few minutes of shut eye before I have to start my day all over again. I haven’t kept hours like these since I was umpteen years old acting like I had no good sense doing things I knew I had no business doing. I’m sure I’ve probably got no business doing what I’ve been doing these past few weeks but since I’m no longer umpteen and most certainly old enough to know better, I consider it a privilege that I’m still young enough not to care. But I digress.

There is a true disadvantage to being as exhausted as I am as I proved earlier this evening. For some unholy reason I came up with this brilliant idea to just not go to sleep this afternoon. To force myself to stay wide eyed and awake until a decent bed time hour so that I could just fall out into ten blissful, uninterrupted hours of much needed sleep. I reasoned that if I napped during the early evening I’d probably be wide awake shortly after midnight and that just wasn’t going to work for me.

Staying awake however proved to be more of a challenge than I anticipated and so I did the first thing that came to mind to keep myself up and moving. I went shopping. A word of advice. Never shop when you’re at the brink of complete exhaustion and subsequently a little punch drunk. It really isn’t pretty.

My first favorite haunt went fairly well. I actually found a great Bali bra for a dirt low price and not only does it pick the girls up and hug them nicely, it doesn’t have any annoying underwire. Feeling much confident I proceeded to my next favorite haunt. And that’s where it all fell to pieces. End-of-the-season sales were in full swing and despite some serious bargains I refrained from buying just to be buying. But of course I had to browse the lingerie department just in case I found a partner for bra #1. Instead, what I found was a new addition to the Delta Burke lingerie collection.

For those of you who don’ t know who Delta is, google her. I ain’t got the energy to digress a second time. Any who, Delta now designs lingerie for full-figured females. And there they were, pretty in deep blue and ruby red. Boy cut panties for wide hips and waist lines stenciled in these adorable floral patterns. So what was the problem? They were GLOW IN THE DARK! Had I not been punch drunk from lack of sleep they probably wouldn’t have moved me at all, but no, in my state of mental dysfunction, those bad boys floored me completely.

As I examined a pair I kept trying to imagine the man who wouldn’t be able to find my oversized ass in the dark where raging neon would actually come in handy. I kept thinking that even a blind man wouldn’t miss all the bells and whistles that follow me into a room so why would I need flashers to lead the way? Then I started laughing. And I couldn’t stop. It was that hysterical kind of laughter that just got worse the more I tried to contain myself. I was literally doubled over with tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard. Then Ben Beautiful made his move.

Typically I’m on top of my game but this night I was so far off the court it was a crying shame. Ben Beautiful was this drop dead gorgeous hunk of man who looked like he’d been carved from decadent dark chocolate. This boy was the perfect cover for a romance novel and he knew it. He was overly confident and exceptionally arrogant and he smelled like heaven! The man reeked of pure, unadulterated sex. That sex you had back in the day when you weren’t supposed to be having sex at all and it was so damn good it made you lose your mind. I mean really great sex that curled your toes so tight it’s a wonder you can still walk kind of really great sex. That man absolutely reeked with that kind of sex!

I suddenly stopped laughing and started drooling. Then he opened his mouth and the voice was smooth cognac, deep and dark. I’m fairly certain that I was standing there with my mouth open, my eyes bulging, and every perverse thought I could imagine raging through my mind. That beautiful man talked for ten minutes and the only thing I can clearly remember him saying is that “I looked more like a black lace kind of girl”. Without a doubt my response to anything he said was everything but coherent. When he finally walked away I realized I had a death grip on Delta’s panties and I was still stuttering and stammering like I’d lost my mind. I’d also broken out into a full sweat and moisture was puddling in places I didn’t know moisture could reach.

I can’t begin to tell you some of the thoughts that ran through my mind as I was leaving that store, three new pairs of black lace panties in hand, but after a cold shower and a stint in a cool tub of water, I’m still having a “hot damn!” moment and I still haven’t been to sleep yet.