Friday, March 16, 2007


There are things my mama didn’t tell me growing up and I’m fairly certain your mamas didn’t tell you either, ‘cause none of these things have ever come up on the Girlfriends, honey, hush yo’ mouth! Network. Imagine my surprise to learn that we might experience thinning and loss of our pubic hair. Certainly not the topic of discussion at any dinner table I’ve been at, but you would think someone could have prepared a girl for the morning after her milestone birthday when she wakes up looking like her vajayjay done been waxed and peeled, and it wasn’t.

We had the sex talk. Mama said don’t do it. I did it anyway. She prepared me for my first period, proclaiming it my admission into womanhood. More like my admission into hell but hey, at least she told me. When I was pregnant she had all kinds of expert advice to offer but of course she conveniently forgot to mention the constipation, hemorrhoids, and other assorted ills that would attack my body. And let’s not even mention what happens to your nipples when you breast feed. Mama failed me there as well.

Mother glossed over menopause as she sat fanning herself in the middle of a January snowstorm like it was normal to be sweating in sub-zero weather. I can just imagine the surprises that are bound to hit me when the moment arrives. If nothing else I’m thankful that black don’t crack ‘cause I couldn’t take it if my face and neck was starting to look like a raisin too. With my breasts heading South like their going on a vacation, and my hair having more white highlights than even Miss Clairol should allow, I can only imagine my hot flashes are going to feel like I’m communing on a tropical isle.

But let’s be for real here. Aging is already a bitch without a gal getting hit with one too many surprises. This isn’t like when Mama forget to mention that you’re supposed to take that little bag out of the Thanksgiving turkey before you roast it. The girlfriends had my back on that one. But what the hell! Why didn’t someone say something about your vajajay going bald?

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