Tuesday, August 10, 2010


I’m going to make a sex tape. I’m told that’s the in thing to do these days. In fact, most recently Laurence Fishburne’s teenage daughter announced that she has done just that. Like her, I’m hoping to fast track my way to credibility. To hear her tell it, everyone Montana Fishburne admires (Pamela Anderson, Kendra Wilkinson, and Pamela Anderson) has done the deed on film and scored major bucks and notoriety from the experience. According to Montana, it shot Kim Kardashian’s career right to Emmy Award winning-heaven. That’s why Montana stripped and spread ‘em for the cameras. To be like Kim.

If that’s the case then I don’t see why I can’t just jiggle enough cellulite and shake my ta-ta’s for a film crew to guarantee myself a Pulitzer Prize. Lord knows I have plenty to shake! Do you know any other author who’s caught that clue yet? I’d be the first and I bet it wouldn’t be a hot minute before the rest of pack are shaking body parts on film to try and outdo me. To hell with great prose or true talent. Nudity and sexual prowess is the key to success if we believe an ounce of what Montana believes.

It would probably be just my luck that whoever my co-star might be, Dick Dread maybe, or Harry Hung perhaps, they might actually outperform me. I mean, could I really compete by just moaning and groaning while I performed some serious sexual acrobatics across a countertop when junior Dick is dancing to some guy’s knees? I can just see it now, a lengthy erection stealing all my thunder.

But hey, if sex tapes are the way to fame and riches what do I have to lose? Why lay claim to integrity and respectability when debauchery and good old T & A pays better? Montana is 19-years old and we all know how brilliantly intelligent we are at the age of 19. That’s when you know everything the rest of the world doesn’t have a clue about. Montana is brilliantly intelligent.

And if things don’t go like Montana anticipates, the girl falling flat into Jaime Foxworth or Karrine “Superhead” Steffans-like obscurity, then at least she can say she put forth her best effort. At 19 there would still be time for her to turn things around and lay claim to something that really matters.

I, on the other hand, would just have a sex tape floating around the internet, cellulite jiggling through the datasphere. No Pulitzer. No credibility. Nada. So maybe making that sex tape isn’t such a good idea. ‘Cause let’s face reality. I’m no Kim Kardashian. And news flash to Montana. “ Baby girl, neither are you.”

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