WRITING WITH A BROKEN PENCIL

I got called out on the fact that for the last two years I’ve let my personal life interfere with my writing and subsequently, my writing sucks, big time. This struck a too tender nerve because I have always, in the past, allowed my personal life to dictate my writing. Some of my greatest moments have played out in black and white, the most simplistic words twisting into exquisite poetry. The ability to spin emotion onto paper has been one of my greatest gifts and somewhere along the way I tripped over the box, got all tangled up in the ribbons and bow and started writing with a broken pencil.

I have to admit that lately I’ve been holding back, holding out, and just not holding down what I know I need to be doing. I’ve been so busy biting my tongue and simply ignoring what has been in my heart to release that I haven’t been writing and what I have written, hasn’t been any damn good. I have felt it with every fiber in me and I chose to ignore it, not wanting to make waves, rock the boat, and risk sinking simply because of something I might have confessed under the guise of someone else’s story.

Writing use to keep me sane, my most difficult moments finding their way onto white paper. For too long now I have been teetering on the edge of psychosis, closer to falling off the brink than not, simply because I’m hiding myself behind syntax that hold no emotion instead of allowing my passion to dwell smack dab in the middle of my words.

Knowing what is wrong is one thing. What I struggle with, is how I might fix it.

IS THIS THE END?

For the first time I am starting to think that “Nothin’ But A Word” has finally run its course. On July 16th I will have been blogging for some four years and with a few hundred blog posts behind me I’m starting to feel like I don’t have very many more left.

Doing this has begun to feel like a painful chore. I’m finding it difficult to be funny and cute when there are times that I would much prefer to be melancholy and not cute. The melancholy doesn’t much move me so I can only imagine what it might be doing to those of you who actually read my dribble.

Recently, my very special friend felt that one of my blog posts was, and I quote, “an unfair distortion of the truth”. And it very well may have been. But as I explained to him, this is my space, and my truth as I see it and my emotions as I feel them. Damn the other side. They can go get their own blog and tell it their own way. The little bit of something and whole lot of nothing that I rant and ponder about here is mine to twist and turn as I see fit.

But twisting and turning life into entertaining anecdotes is becoming more of a challenge and requiring energy that I simply do not have any more. So for the first time, I really have to give some serious consideration to whether or not this is something I really want to continue doing. I really have to ask myself if this is finally the end.

MAMA'S NOT TELLING

Gary had a torrid little affair with one of his co-workers. At the time Gary and his cohort were both married to other people. That torrid little affair produced a too cute bundle who became his mama’s greatest joy.

Gary questioned whether or not baby Gary was truly his, ‘cause Junior’s mama also had a husband. Gary couldn’t fathom a wife not sleeping with her husband, even if she was sleeping with him. It conveniently slipped Gary’s mind that he wasn’t sleeping with his own wife which was why he was doing the do on the other side of town in the first place.

Girlfriend readily offered a paternity test but Gary passed, feeling that not knowing was best for all concerned, most particularly his wife.

Fast forward and not once did anyone ever ask a thing from Gary. No child support, no time, no nothing. Nada! His gal pal figured he would have to man-up all on his own, or not.

Gary chose not, having neither the testicles or the moral fiber to do what was right. Now Gary’s son is all grown up, still not knowing the man who donated the other half of his DNA. Not knowing that the new acquaintance who recently befriended him is actually is half-sister. Not knowing because Gary ignores his new friend requests and mama’s not telling until she absolutely has to.

NO COMPETITION

I observed an ex-wife and a current girlfriend meeting each other for the first time. The moment was amusing because although everyone was going through the motions of being mature and adult-like about the whole encounter, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that what was being said between them was whole-heartedly different than what they wanted to say to each other.

The man in the middle, surprised by the unannounced arrival of his past, was clearly wishing for a hole to fall down into, his anxiety evident by him not introducing anyone in the room. And then the ex–wife figured out who the current woman was and all the fun began (with my very loose translations of the encounter, of course).

Ex-wife: “Oh, this is Dara? This is the girl that spends the night at your house sometimes? (So, this is your new slut?)

The new girlfriend smiled smugly but said nothing at all. But you could see her thinking to herself: (Beyotch, you know damn well who I am and I’m neither a girl nor am I a sometimes houseguest).

When boyfriend didn’t bother to respond, ex-wife persisted.

Ex-wife: “Is this the one? (And much louder for emphasis.) “Is this the girl who spends the night at your house sometimes?” (I mean, really, is this the cheap tramp you think can replace me?)

Boyfriend: “Yes, this is her.” (Please, please, please, do not start any mess up in here tonight! Please don’t have either one of them act a fool up in here tonight!)

Girlfriend, still smiling smugly, eyebrows now raised at boyfriend, and still not saying anything. (Her?! Oh, any other time you introduce me as your friend, and by my name. Now your ex is here and you don’t have anything to say!)

Ex-wife: “Oh, well nice to meet you. Now I can put a face to the name. (I’m gonna remember you, trick! You can bet on that!)

Girlfriend: “It’s nice to meet you, too. (Actually, it doesn’t mean much to me at all, but hey, I'll play. If you can lie, so can I!)

Now, the encounter passed quite quickly with the ex-wife asking boyfriend if she could have a brief conversation with him and the two of them stepping outside out of earshot. When boyfriend returned he had nothing to say and his girl didn't press the issue. She respected the “please, please, please” in his eyes. I can only imagine that he heard something whole-heartedly different once they were closeted behind the privacy of their bedroom door, and then again, maybe he didn’t.

What was interesting is the body language that spoke volumes. The ex-wife wanted control. She also wanted to devalue the relationship the couple had between them. If her ex-guy’s new friend was only a girl and only a sometimes, then maybe…just maybe. But clearly, she didn’t have a clue about the dynamics of their coupling, not privy to the private moments between them.

And the girlfriend wasn’t moved one way or the other, because she did know. She knew the woman who wanted control truly had none. She also saw firsthand that the ex-wife was neither a threat nor a challenge. She saw what we all saw. The ex-wife was clearly no competition at all.

TREVON TAPP FUNDRAISER

Allow me to extend my thanks to those of you who have already made a donation. My little friend Trevon is still in need of some serious help. Won't you consider making a donation? I have some books I'd love to give away for your efforts.

Click below for additional information. Thank you.

TREVON TAPP FUNDRAISER at www.DeborahMello.blogspot.com

TREVON TAPP FUNDRAISER @ EVENTBRITE

SILENCE BETWEEN US

My father and I do not have the best relationship. More times than not I leave his presence questioning what I could have possibly done to have him hate me as much as he would seem to. It sometimes takes me months to reconcile that it’s not me that he’s detesting, but is instead, a choice I may have made or something he thinks I might have done that has him so hostile. During that period of reconciliation my father and I usually do not communicate, neither of us having one word to say to the other. My father has spent most of my adult life not talking to me. I have spent most of my adult life wondering why.

It has now been a good few months since he and I have had a pleasant conversation of any kind. The last time we spoke the man called to cuss me out, calling me names that no man should ever call any woman, most especially his daughter. Daddy had not been happy about my cleaning out my grandmother’s home, discarding trash that should have been discarded years before. It would seem, according to my father, that I had no right to touch a thing. I had no right even though I was living there. When I made that point, he responded that my living there could easily be rectified. Subsequently, I no longer call my grandmother’s house my home.

For the first time, in more years than I know, my grandmother’s home will no longer be in our family. My father is completely accepting of this. He doesn’t much care if I am, or not. Others in the family don’t want to be bothered, preferring to avoid my father’s wrath, if such a thing is possible. Too many have told me that it’s probably for the best. My father hasn’t told me a thing, silence surrounding us the few times we have been in each other’s company.

With Father’s Day fast approaching I cannot help but think about the man who use to be my daddy. More times than not, silence would seem to be the only thing we have between us. It would seem that my father and I don’t have much of a relationship at all.

TREVON TAPP FUNDRAISER

Two years ago I reached out for donations to help send a young friend to the National Young Leader’s Conference in Washington, DC. Some exceptional people gave generously and my young friend was able to represent her family, friends and community beautifully. That young lady recently completed her freshman year at UNC-Charlotte, well on her way to a thriving technology career.

I am once again moved to hold out my hand and ask folks to open their hearts and their pockets for a young man whose spirit and achievements are a true inspiration. Mr. Trevon Tapp is twelve years old. He’s from the very rural community of Roxboro, NC and he has not only exceeded every challenge and expectation put to him, but has contradicted every stereotype that exists about young, black men.

Trevon is in the seventh grade at Southern Middle School, an honor student with a 4.0 GPA and in the academically gifted program. He plays football and basketball and loves to read. He is a member of the youth choir and dance ministry at his church and in 2007 participated in the National Young Scholars Program at Wake Forest University in North Carolina.

Trevon was recently interviewed and selected to participate in the People to People Student Ambassador Program’s trip to China this summer. The objective of the program is to promote international understanding while building leadership skills among America's youth. The 17-day experience includes meetings with government officials, interaction with students his own age, educational activities, and home stays with host families.

People to People was founded by President Dwight D. Eisenhower in 1956. He believed that if people from different cultures could come together in peace and friendship, so eventually would countries. Since its founding, People to People has launched many international programs, including Sister Cities and Project HOPE. People to People Student Ambassadors are carefully interviewed and evaluated before their acceptance and it is truly an honor and a privilege for Trevon to be considered and selected.

This opportunity will afford Trevon the chance to broaden his perspectives of the world and gain a better understanding of another culture. He will also be able to earn high school and college credit because of the many educational elements in the program. It’s an opportunity not afforded to many minority youth.

The program tuition is $6,000 which includes all transportation, accommodations, meals and educational activities. Trevon’s mother is the only person with a steady income in their home and she and his father sacrifice daily to provide for Trevon and his baby sister. Trevon needs sponsors and I am honored to be able to help fundraise on his behalf. We are asking contributors for any monetary amount to help him reach his goal. He has been fundraising diligently, hosting bake sales and neighborhood events to promote his cause, but as time draws closer, he could use a few more helping hands.

Won’t you consider giving? We are selling “event” tickets for this on-line fundraiser beginning today. With every $25 “ticket” purchased I will give the donor a signed copy of my latest release, LOST IN A STALLION’S ARMS. For every $100 donation I’ll give the donor a signed copy of my current book and a signed copy of my August release, PROMISES TO A STALLION. Donate $250 and I’ll send you signed copies of every book I’ve published through January 2011.

“Ticket” purchase options have been set up through EVENTBRITE, hosted by the Hattie J. Woody Scholarship Program, with payments being easily made through PAYPAL. You don't need a PAYPAL account to pay by one of the acceptable payment methods. Just click the "I don't have an account" button and it will still be just fine.

As well, payments can be sent directly to the program, payable to: People To People Ambassador Program, People To People Office of Admissions, P.O. Box 34902, Seattle, WA 98124-1902. Include Trevon’s name and ID#10056029 on your check. (If you pay directly, you’ll need to send me copy of your cancelled check to claim your signed books.)

Every dollar is a step in the right direction for Trevon’s future. If you can, please help me help this baby’s dream come true. Let’s afford him the opportunity to participate in this life-changing experience. Let’s help him raise those funds.

Thank you.

TREVON TAPP FUNDRAISER

PROTECTING THE GUILTY

I get more material listening to small town gossip than should be allowed. In this here small town of mine, folks love to talk. They love to talk about themselves and each other and every ounce of it is fuel for my writing spirit.

Today alone I came home with enough material for another ten books. Downtown was crowded with news-types looking to score a scoop on the Rielle “I Can Help You!” Hunter vs. Andrew “Johnny Won’t Be My Friend” Young sex tape case. The duo was in court today and the locals had much to ponder, most especially since Johnny “I Don’t Know That Baby” Edwards has allegedly rented digs downtown and is rumored to be developing quite a cozy relationship with one of the bar stools in the local pub. Marital fidelity is a hot topic around here, Johnny’s and everybody else’s. (Everybody else got some serious stuff going on behind their closed doors!)

Girlfriends stabbed boyfriends, boyfriends kicked dogs, husbands done left wives, wives done did the delivery guys, mama’s are sleeping with their son’s best friends, the best friends are doing the neighbor’s sister, and that was just what kicked off the weekend!

And I done started me another book where I had to change the names to protect the guilty!

CAN IT GET ANY BETTER!

Oh, how good does it get!!!!!

I am in TV-heaven right now. Just when I thought my reality TV obsession was all obsessed out, VH1 premiered their new lineup. Now I’m hooked, again, and loving every minute of it.

Brandy and Ray-J: A Family Business follows that well-known duo and their parents. The set-up of the show is that Sonja (Mama Norwood) who has been managing her children’s careers for the past 15 years is now ready to reclaim her life. She’s ready for her children to run the family music business. Throw in their father, Willie’s (Papa Norwood) nonchalant attitude and “children” who aren’t necessarily ready for responsibility, plus Mama's mean-as-spit demeanor, favoritism and a serious touch of family dysfunction and it makes for some entertaining TV.

Then we have Basketball Wives, the brainchild of Shaunie O’Neal, the soon-to-be ex-wife of Shaq. It follows the doings of seven women who have been or are currently linked with NBA players. Now, only one of the women is actually a wife, but each and every one of them has taken the drama straight to the net and dunked it. You can just see the backboard shattering with each episode. The cast includes Royce Reed, the former Orlando Magic and Miami Heat dancer and mother of NBA star Dwight Howard’s son, Jennifer Williams, wife of Eric Williams, Evelyn Lozada, ex-fiancée of Antoine Walker, Suzie Ketcham, ex-girlfriend of former NBA star Michael Olowokondi, Erikka Moxam, a stylist from Miami, Gloria Govan, fiancée of Matt Barnes and Shaunie. I’m going to enjoy sitting on the sidelines for this one!

Changing channels, Bravo premiered the second season of Housewives of New Jersey tonight! Delusional Danielle is back and the season looks like it’s going to deliver more than the two new babies being introduced. They kicked off the first night with a Barney’s New York shopping spree, a $1,000 plate fundraiser for the local sheriff, a Danielle drive-by, and some of the best politically-incorrect behavior from Theresa and the Giudice family. Gosh, I love these women almost as much as I love the Atlanta cast.

Toss in Jack Bauer sending my Monday night right over the edge as the final season of 24 winds down and Time Warner has me hooked for another few weeks.

Can it get any better!