BANGING HER HEAD

When Wally and Diane have problems, Wally has seven really good female friends to turn to for advice. And like most female friends of single men, his really good female friends always have something to say about his personal life. Diane however doesn’t have the same network of support to turn to. Diane made the mistake of turning to a male acquaintance for advice only one time and she is still paying the price for having done so. Clearly, according to Wally’s seven friends, there had to have been more going on with Diane and what’s-his-name than Diane has been upfront about. And even Wally finds it hard to believe that there was absolutely nothing to Diane and that man.

Convincing Wally that something was truly nothing has proven to be impossible at best. Knowing that Wally doesn’t trust Diane or what Diane feels for him breaks her heart. Knowing that any conversation about the nature of their relationship will turn into a castigation of everything Diane has ever done wrong, starting with what’s-his-name, has proven to be more than Diane could ever imagine having to bear. The burden of it all has completely ravaged her spirit.

After everything they’ve shared, Wally should know Diane’s heart. Diane can’t expect seven people who have never met her and who know nothing about her to have any idea why she might do whatever she has done. She would expect Wally to know and even try to understand. Instead, Wally’s allowed the ugly of it all to fester into a concrete wall between them.

Maybe, if Diane keeps banging her head against the bricks long enough, Wally might find some forgiveness in his heart and the two of them can move on. Then again, maybe he’ll just keep listening to his friends and move on without her.

I WILL WRITE

Hey, did you miss me? I've purposely been AWOL for most of April. I needed some down time to step back, review, regroup, and and revive myself. Subsequently, I didn't write. Not one word. For the last few months everything around me has been nothing but clutter and mess. The clutter had gotten to the point of being overwhelming and it just became too darn difficult to function in the midst of it. That is changing. It has to.

LOST IN A STALLION'S ARMS has been well received. Romantic Times Magazine gave it 4-Stars! Readers have lauded it with praise. Can't begin to tell you how that took the edge off of everything else I was going through, especially since I haven't been writing.

My baby boy and I have been spending more time together. I've discovered a side to my child I didn't know existed. He's discovered much about me, as well. He'll be leaving me again in the very near future. Son-shine has enlisted in the military. His paperwork has been signed and delivered He'll be headed off to bootcamp soon so I'm getting as much of my mommy-fix in as I can possibly muster. He's excited about what lies ahead for him. I'm happy that he's happy.

The old people are still old. My father, mother, and grandmother haven't been well. I find myself forgetting what it was like to have them at full capacity. I am reminded daily that life is both precious and fragile.

My very special friend and I are still holding strong despite the many odds against us. Those moments where I can't imagine my life without him have proven to be far greater than those moments where I ponder what in hell I had to be thinking. Our relationship has truly been a learning experience. Sometimes I am in awe and wonder of the lessons. And of course their are moments when I'm cramming to make the grade, adament that neither he, nor I, will fail.

Spring fever hit with a vengeance. Prom season rolled around and young love was suddenly in full bloom. A young friend paid me a visit yesterday to share her prom experience this past weekend. Her date had been a friend she'd known since they had both been in grade school. She was aglow with excitement, sharing the details of the event. I found myself enthralled by her energy. And I couldn't help but smile when she said she was "crushing hard" and the boy didn't have a clue. "It's absolutely ridiculous," she gushed. "I have to plan what I'm going to say to him three whole days in advance or when I'm near him, I completely forget how to have a conversation!" She was hoping their time together at prom would prove to be a turning point in the relationship. With graduation fast approaching she was hopeful that her future prospects might be more promising.

As she said her good-byes I was suddenly intrigued by the possibilities of my own future. I imagine that what I might be dreaming for myself might not be what God, and fate, have in store for me.

And then I wanted to write. Needed to write. Desperate to tell the stories that have been building inside. Anxious to give substance to emotions that have begun to consume me. And so I will. I will write.

AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH

It’s amazing that no matter how things may change, some things forever remain the same. I was partnered on a project that I was initially excited about. I thought it had great prospect. I saw it being an opportunity for me to grow with and learn from. After a considerable investment of time, emotion, and resources, I deluded myself into thinking that I was actually accomplishing something meaningful, headed in a positive direction.

Then just like that a member of my team knocked the wind out of my sails, and I realized that absolutely nothing had changed. The progress I had become comfortable with had instead been a delusion of my own making. Things were as they had been at the beginning and I might as well have been starting from square one.

Confronting the parties involved, I discovered that my expectations were as far from reality as one can possibly get. I was made to understand that instead, me and my expectatons were an inconvenience, standing in the way of other plans and ideas. I was made to understand that simpatico would only be found when the moon and the stars aligned just so and doing nothing was more appealing that stepping out on faith and trusting in each step of the journey.

It was an inconvenient truth and as I simmered from the hurt of it, I came to understand that being considered an inconvenience might very well need to be the catalyst for me to step out on my own and follow a whole other path on my journey.