Wednesday, November 15, 2006


In the name of research I spent a few hours in an ADULTS ONLY store. This establishment has only recently opened and is owned by an outrageous, gregariously funny mother of four. When I first walked in I must have looked like a deer caught in headlights because I was just amazed at all the stuff that lined the walls and shelves. I thought I was playing it off as I maneuvered my way over to the lingerie section to get myself acclimated but I obviously wasn’t doing that good a job.

The owner greeted me warmly, then politely said, “The plus sizes are on those three racks over there.” I guess I didn’t look amused because she laughed and then said, “Honey, you’ll never get your girls in any of those things there. I promise you that rack will be way too small for all your stuff.” Now had I been in a different mood I might have walked out but the moment was suddenly too funny and all I could do was laugh with her ‘cause I knew she was right. The 34B lace demi-cupped bra and thong set in my hand would barely have covered one of my girls let alone both of them. And, the thong looked like an extra small band-aid with dental floss. The set was not made for a woman with serious curves.

The laughter led into some great conversation as I began to ask questions and she told story after story about opening the business. And when I told her what I did and why I was there she gave me a guided tour of the place, describing in fairly graphic detail some of her product line.

Now, I have to tell you, many of these new sex toys on the market scare me. And not to say I’m prudish or opposed to shaking things up in the boudoir, but some of these gadgets look more like torture tools than pleasure paraphernalia. I remember when vibrators looked like penises, which I thought was the point of a vibrator. The new breed comes with attachments that make them look like fairly deformed penises. One of her more popular sellers is the Wascally Wabbit Vibrator and it has ears and things that can be tucked in more than one crevice at the same time. And then there was the Clitoral Hummer that boasted a label that said it was waterproof. Seems you can use it in the bed and the bath with no problems. I didn’t dare ask what would happen if it wasn’t waterproof. Let’s not forget where you play with it. Does it short out mid-orgasm or something?

This was a full-service store, from videos to instructional classes for the more daring individuals. There was a lot more than a little something for everyone. Candles aren’t just candles anymore. She had some that melt into massage oils that can be consumed orally. There were gizmos that weren’t for the faint of heart and some very interesting fetish gear. I was half tempted to buy this cute little pick penis ring thingy that claimed to satisfy you and your partner but I knew the hubby would have sent me packing to the nearest psych ward if I had asked him to tuck his equipment into something that resembled a cherry lifesaver.

Her eldest daughter, aged eighteen, came in from school as I was peeking through a basket of thongs and undies. Seems she inherited her mother’s humor, commenting when I picked up a pair of crotch-less panties, that “those are made especially for lazy people or the front seat of a pickup truck in a McDonald’s parking lot”. Her mother laughed and I started to ask how would she know but then I figured I would just let that alone since she probably would have told me.

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