Tuesday, November 03, 2009


Four years ago today my oldest son passed away. You never ever get over that kind of loss. What you do is pick yourself up, try to keep moving, and in time, you hopefully learn a new kind of normal.

I can’t help but wonder what life would be like if my child was still here with us today. I wonder about the impact he would have had on his own children. How he would have handled his father and I divorcing? Would he still be supportive of my choices? Would his little brother ignore his swift kicks the way baby boy ignores mine?

I miss my favorite son. I miss him calling to ask if I would cook his favorite meal the way only I knew how to do. I miss hearing the sound of his voice and that laugh that always made me laugh with him. I wonder what he would have thought about the economy and our President and how the New England Patriots have been performing.

I am sometimes amazed at just how much you can miss somebody. I would never have imagined it to be so consuming.

I’ve written about my son here before. I am still devastated by how quickly he was taken from us. I am still inspired by the memory of him. The lessons he taught continue to encourage me. I’d give anything to have him still here with us.

For the last four years I’ve had to learn a new kind of normal, but truth be told, I can’t find a damn thing normal about it.


Monica said...

I an't imagine the magnitude of your loss and the pain you must feel...and will continue to feel.

I'm so sorry.

Deborah Mello said...

Thanks, Monica. I appreciate that.